So I’ve said this before, I am a perfectionist. I seek perfection in everything I do. And if I cannot achieve it, I start to feel like a failure. From the outside world, I get praise for my mediocre work but on the inside, I feel disappointed for not having attained my personal standards of perfection. You would think that after 23 years, I might have started to accept my imperfections but my stubborn self is working against me. Lately, my coursework has become REAL. In a very interesting way, but I am just realizing how much harder I am going to have to work in order to reach my standards. And that’s the problem, isn’t it? This is all about me.
Years and years of report cards saying I have soo much more potential to do better. Which was true, because most of the time I wasn’t really trying. But now, uni life is waay different. Especially my uni. You actually have to work really hard for good grades, and sometimes, you may work really hard and still not get what you thought you would. So you work harder next time, because there is always a chance to make up for it. And you can always seek advice. Not medical, but you know, maybe you should take that bold step to admit that you need help from someone else. Which for me, is one of the hardest things to admit. But the thing about standing alone, is that it’s easier to fall. And that is a scientific fact. Something to do with the centre of gravity. Even the English agree, United we stand, Divided we fall. You would think Manchester United would be the top team in the league but I guess that’s the exception to the rule.
It feels good to open up though. Like a weight has been lifted off my chest. Like I now have a public disclaimer with (x) number of witnesses (x being you guys 😉 ). Why have I been feeling like this? Because I have been in denial and I haven’t told God what I have been feeling and so I have been suffering in silence. Which is completely unnecessary. There are numerous ways that He has used to encourage us. Like in Joshua chapter 1, He says it over and over, ‘Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid, for I am with you wherever we go.’ He never leaves. We forget that He is there. It’s like when Peter forgot to look at Jesus and that’s when He started sinking. And sometimes, what seems like such a big deal to us is quite insignificant to the people we hope to please.
And so, I dedicate this post to the people that wrote short notes to me during my year in ministry. I ended up reading them a couple of nights ago. Little snippets of encouragement, that helped me remember what’s important. And what I need to focus on. Not on my books as I have been wrongly doing, but on God Himself, that all these other things may fall in place. Because my biggest mistake has been not realizing the opportunity that I have to share Christ through my struggle. That I can still be a testimony for His Glory because He is life. Sometime ago, when I was going through similar situation, Pastor K shared this passage with me, and it’s given me a renewed and refreshing outlook on my situation.
2 Corinthians 1:3-7
Praise to the God of All Comfort
3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 5 For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. 6 If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. 7 And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.