And hope you are having a lovely week. I’m quite cheery and willing to spread some to you <happy hugs>. So today’s post is a sequel to about my first love and it also features a poem. Sort of bitter sweet. Like lemonade with diet sugar. It’s quite personal and I haven’t shared much about love and relationships but I feel it’s time. Especially since the international day of love was just a few days ago.
But where to begin…
I had been praying about a past relationship and I hadn’t heard God’s answer until I got here. Or maybe I just didn’t want to hear it. You know how sometimes you want something so badly you just pray without listening for the answer unless it’s a yes? Like how you preview Whatsapp messages before deciding whether to reply. Yup, that’s kinda what I have been doing. Guilty as charged. But since I got here, that NO has been loud and clear. He basically moved the object of my affection to another continent in the same year that I got here. It doesn’t get louder than that. My denial at first was quite hilarious but now I have no choice but to accept that it just wasn’t meant to be.
Most of the time, people (especially Christians) only worry about the physical boundaries of relationships. Rarely do people talk about the emotional boundaries until after a break up and you are expected to just move on within a certain amount of time. Like how long it takes to heal from a VD. I think that’s a blatant lie. It just hit me that I have been mourning this relationship all this while but I never got time to have the funeral. I never got my closure. I never felt ready to move on with all this emotional baggage I have carrying around. But this is my confession even though I’m always trying to play it cool.
For a relationship that I had prayed for more than I prayed for myself, for it to end, I chose to not deal with it. Which is the worst thing to do, because it just prolongs the situation. In my time here, I have been doing a lot of thinking and I have been letting go little by little. I have definitely learned a lot though through all this time. I am just as careful about opening up emotionally as I am about opening up physically, if not more. If Ruth was able to get a second chance, and be blessed by it so much then that’s definitely a future to hope for. My therapist aka God, always listens when I’m ranting about the same point over and over. There are loads of benefits to Him being that best friend that never sleeps. That I can hit Him up at odd hours of the night just to chat, or just to cry or just for laughs, because He does have a wicked sense of humor (See Numbers 22:28), doesn’t get better than that.
I’m sharing my ‘denial story’ because I know there are lots of people living in that same bubble and not ready to face the reality that’s right in front of them. I know there are people in abusive relationships that will not leave for fear of being alone. There are people that have been cheated on over and over and keep forgiving, not ready to start over. There are people in emotionally distant relationships, too afraid to find out how it really feels to be loved. But God says He has a plan for us. To prosper us and not to harm us. To give us hope and a future. Hold on to that promise and step out of the bubble. It may be scary at first but He will be with you and never leave nor forsake you. He is ready to protect you and love you unconditionally. This could be you if you decide to let Him take charge.
So I’m sharing a glimpse of my future…
I love to sleep
Not because I’m lazy
But because I have a date
A fantasy from beyond
It’s the only time I get to see him
Parting is not a sweet sorrow
Holding on to memories of every moment we have to share
Reliving the same scenes every night
It’s the only way I get to see him
The time and distance that keeps us apart
Leaves me in a vortex of emotion
Forced into a bitter situation
With dreaming, my only intoxication
Coz it’s the only way I get to see him
I’ve loved and I’ve lost
Ready to hold on to the yearning for an embrace
Trapped in a future life, victim of circumstance
Thoughts of him leave me in a trance
But it’s the only way I get to see him
A prayer for my future
My hopes and dreams fulfilled
A unity of two made one
A destiny fulfilled at long last
When I will finally see him