I am trying to describe how I am feeling and words are failing me but then I am a writer and that’s supposed to be my specialty. So let me start with the why instead. I have just finished streaming my home church’s anointing service and it was definitely worth my Saturday evening/night. But since you’re reading this tomorrow, I’m talking about last evening. I love writing that because it makes me feel like I can see into the future but no, this is just technology giving me a false sense of power. I digress. Relieved. That’s how I feel. Like a great burden has been lifted from my shoulders and from my chest. I have really poor upper body strength so the relief is that much exaggerated. That may not make sense but sometimes words get lost in translation of a feeling.
Happy new year. I am super refreshed and for me it feels like my year has just began. So from the last time I posted, I decided to take some time to really think about 2016 and all that I want God to do this year. Actually, more of what I need. Which is actually more of Him. But then don’t we all? So, I stopped doing resolutions a few years ago because I never stuck to them. Just like how I’m not an early morning person, my mind wakes up mid-morning, my resolutions only begin to take form in the middle of the year. Which is totally weird but oh well. So instead, I started writing a list of things I need to let go of and praying over it. And it’s been working.
These 3 things of Orient are. Haha. Seriously though, these are the things I’m letting go of.
- My plans
Like I have said before, I am a planner. Though I rarely write things down because I don’t want anyone to see them, most of my plans stay in my head. They are usually between me and my God. That’s what I keep telling myself. Until I get sick and everyone starts wondering why and I have to start explaining, yeah, I know I’m really sick but it’s all because something in my life isn’t going according to my plan. Most recently, I was super stressed by the thought of failing one of my exams and I ended up sick on the day of that particular exam. <sigh> So, I’m not making plans anymore. I shouldn’t have been making these plans in the first place. Why? Because God already has plans for me and He didn’t ask for my help. And He already has enough entertainment with Trump trying to quote verses, so I just need to be still and know that He is God. And that’s it.
- My relationship status
It’s that time of January when girls have to start securing who their date is going to be for Valentine’s day and a back up for that and a back up for the back up. Pretty sure guys do this as well. And the thing about being an African girl here, getting a boyfriend is too easy. Seriously too easy. But I don’t want to rush into anything. Heck, I don’t even know if I’m ready to care about someone. And all that time to invest which I barely have in the first place. And my mum will be like nope, I sent you there to study. She’s like ain’t nobody got time for that. Haha. So instead, I’m surrendering this part of my life to God. Whatever He says, is better than what anyone else can tell me. Plus, He’s really good at weeding out the destructive distractions and have me singing <beat, beat, beat, beat, ‘Another one bites the dust’>
- My past
Over the years, there have been a lot of things that have happened to me. Sometimes, it’s like my heart was amputated and all I’m left with is the pain of a phantom heart. That sounds depressing, I know, and it’s only January. But what I can say is that everyday I wake up, that’s a small victory that I thank God for. it’s just one of those things that heal a little more each day, and I have made lots of progress. God is walking with me. Literally. But even with that assurance, the human in me dwells on the pain and less on the joy that I have now. And I really want that chain to be broken. I really want to have that type of David’s madness and just walk into my lectures dancing because I am a walking testimony.
Well, 2 years ago, I asked God to change me inside and out and mold me into someone that can represent Him. I surrendered to Him and slowly but surely, I have been changing. He changed my taste in music, He changed the people I consider my friends, He changed how I interact with my friends and family and He’s been getting rid of the bad habits as well. And now, I am laying my emotional pain at His feet. I’m trading my sorrows, my struggles and most of all my fear. I’m trading beauty for ashes, because that’s not my portion. And so I am letting go of the baggage, making way for a new beginning according to His will and no longer my standards, because clearly that never worked before.
My personal scripture for this year is Isaiah 61:1-3.
The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,[a]
2 to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord
for the display of his splendor.