30 Day Writing Challenge: Day #8

Jambo auxiliaries!

Hope you’re having a supercalifragilisticexpialidocious day :-D. Yes, that’s an actual word, Googled it just to make sure that my number one fan, William, will approve. So anyway, I am still going on with the 30 day writing challenge and it’s been quite interesting hitherto. I’m also still getting used to the fact that the whole world now knows exactly how to win my heart but it’s alright, even German cars come with a manual ;-). If you would like to join the challenge or find out what it’s about, click here.

Today’s challenge is… Share something you struggle with.

Struggle: First of all, I struggle with sharing what I struggle with but for you guys, I can make an exception cause the love is real. “It’s going to burn for me to say this, but it’s coming from my heart…” On the real though, I have been avoiding mountain hikes for the past three years because I have a fear of slipping on a rock, sliding to my death but miraculously surviving with only neck/shoulder/spine damage. I know that seems weird, like even weirder than the normal level of weird but it’s what goes through my mind everyday. This fear stems from having been on crutches twice in 2012 due to two random leg injuries. That year, especially after my second injury, I felt completely helpless and needy and as though I was a burden to those that had to take care of me because they had to bring me food and drive me around. This affected me so much that when I tried to hike up Mt. Kilimambogo, aka ‘the flat mountain’, I had my first panic attack and I’ve been freaking out ever since.

I’ve been trying to work out why this affects me so much and I’ve realized that it’s all because I still have major trust issues. My legs failed me twice in 2012 and now I don’t trust them not to fail me again. I recoil from the idea of being highly dependent on anyone else because I don’t trust them to be there every single time I need them with a sincere desire to help me. Everyone that knows me on a personal level knows that I don’t like having to depend on other people. The core reason I worked so hard to succeed in school was so that I wouldn’t have to depend on my husband/family or anyone else financially. I wanted to be independent and ready to help others. It’s absolutely frustrating that I am not yet financially independent, but I appreciate that God is teaching me to accept help from other people. It’s still extremely hard for me to accept help but I have made a lot of progress since last year and I hope to be even better at it.

Solution: This is something I am still working on as God continues to increase in me while erasing my neurosis. What this has taught me is that I shouldn’t have to rely on myself or on other people in the first place. My hope and trust should be in God. He will give me the grace and strength to overcome any obstacle in my path. He will send the right people at the right time in my time of need. That’s all I should be focused on. Speaking of, my friend Neema sent me a message yesterday to read Pslam 20, and the verse that stuck out was…

“Now this I know: The Lord gives victory to his anointed. He answers him from his heavenly sanctuary with the victorious power of his right hand. Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.” ~Psalm 20:6-7

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