So my elder brother turned 30 on Saturday officially making me the only one under 30 in the family. This got me reminiscing on my life to see what I’ve achieved so far from my life plan since I’m always trying to keep up with my siblings, not the Kardashians. (Must be last-born syndrome or something to do with the huge age gap.) Though still in my early twenties, the unfinished part of the list is still so long I can only hope I will get to live such a long life that I won’t need to rush through it. *fingers crossed*
These three things on my list were key to unlocking the other parts:
- I should have graduated sometime this year. At the moment, I’m not even attending any classes so that’s still far off.
- I should have been getting married this December. At the moment, I don’t even have a boyfriend and have enjoyed the last three years being happily single.
- I should have bought my first car by now, a BMW 750 Li Sedan with a black on black custom paint job and interior. At the moment, I don’t have a driver’s license and I’m still traumatized from having been on crutches twice in one year.
Normally, these would be viewed as failures and this is what I believed as I ushered in 2014. I felt I had nothing to be grateful for except all the disappointments that have kept me from achieving my goals. I believed this soo strongly that for the entire month of February I suffered from mouth ulcers. Not the cold sore you get and you feel like your world is over coz you won’t look cute. I’m talking about multiple mouth ulcers all over my mouth that are painfully blue most of the time and only red when they are bleeding. (I could definitely relate to Mr. Snow from the Hunger Games.) Those that have been around me know that I had been suffering from these bouts about 4-6 times a year since 2007 due to stress, but they never lasted longer than two weeks. So for me to have them for an entire month while working as a full-time call center agent, I guess you can imagine the amount of pain I was in.
Regardless of my black lips and the stares I got wherever I would go, I kept attending the Wednesday Prayer Service at my church. Though I could neither sing nor talk, it was still the perfect environment for me to silently cry out to God and let the Holy Spirit intercede for me. It didn’t make sense that He already bled for me on the cross yet here I was still bleeding and my blood wasn’t saving anyone. It didn’t make sense for me to be suffering for that long, for all these years, after visiting countless doctors just to be reminded there’s no cure. After all the years of ridicule as people joked I had HIV or some other STI (including a Chinese doctor I had visited in KL), I was simply exhausted. So when I took Holy Communion that month, I didn’t ask for the car or for ‘Mr. Right’ to show up at my doorstep. I just asked for my heart to be at peace and to be filled with joy every morning.
Needless to say, that was my last bout of mouth ulcers. I have never gone so long without them that I’m still amazed hitherto. I chose to share my story because I know there are those that feel they aren’t where they want to be and feel like giving up. I share this because I know there are those that are always worrying so much about their future, that it keeps them from living their life as it passes by and all they are left with are regrets. I still don’t have a car or a fiancé or a degree but I no longer worry about them. I have so much peace in my heart that my friends and family have decided I’m crazy and I may just be living in denial. I still have so much peace in my heart and I still wake up and have a hot, steamy cup of joy every morning, without fail.
I know that I am not forgotten. He knows my name. He hears me when I pray. He heals me. He’s the only one that never leaves me. He has great plans for me. He renews my strength and fills my heart with peace. He gives me joy every morning. He leads me to make the right choices according to His will and not my own. I know that I am going to graduate with a BSc Pharmaceutical Chemistry degree with honors. I know I’m going to get my dream car and I’ll be ready to test drive it with my newly acquired driver’s license. I know that when I am ready to start my own family, He will send me the right partner that will complement me perfectly. Most importantly, I now know that all this will come to pass in His time.
And all I have to do in the meantime is BE STILL AND KNOW THAT HE IS GOD because I am His child and He spoils me in ways I could never imagine.
Besides, it’s never that serious. Just live your life and let tomorrow worry about itself 🙂.