Thank you Kay Minaj

Jambo!

So on Monday aka Mashujaa day, I was happily scrolling down my timeline when I came across a funeral program with my friend’s face on it but with a name I didn’t recognize. I was confused for a moment, considering it was a thanksgiving status posted on her wall but my brain refused to process this information. So with a simple click, I stumbled on her wall and my worst fears were confirmed. Kay was dead. This wasn’t an April fool’s joke her Zim friends were pulling in October, she was actually dead.

PhotoGrid_1413796090575_resized
So as the tears started streaming down my face, I tried to remember the last time I had talked to her. It was just last. . . and I couldn’t bear to finish that thought and realize it had actually been a couple of months. No more Skype dates or BB pings. It was over. Adding salt to injury, she had already been buried by the time I was finding this out. I know I wouldn’t have made it anyway but I felt so cheated and had no one else to blame but myself. I don’t blame social media, I blame myself. For not keeping in touch with her as much as I should have but instead convincing myself I knew she was OK, simply by stalking her timeline. I realized I do this with a lot of my friends, if I haven’t talked to them for a while, I will simply check their timeline to confirm if they are alive or not then depending on my pride, I will then try to arrange a Skype date.

I have realized that by becoming a social recluse simply because of a wounded ego, I was letting my relationships grow further and further apart and I would eventually lose them when I least expected. It was time to come to terms with my reality. What seemed to me just a short while ago was in reality a very long time that had passed. It wasn’t just with her, other friends I had considered close have gotten married, had babies and even moved to other countries and I have been completely oblivious. I felt like Jesus, having come to visit and found people mourning over Lazarus. Jesus wept. So did I. Then Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead. I would have liked to do the same but instead I just want to Skype with her.

She was hilarious on Skype, especially in the wee hours of the morning. She gave me great advice on life, relationships and family. Even though we met under the weirdest circumstances, she still made the first step to get to know me and to keep in touch with me, to celebrate with me and mourn with me. She was the best long distance friend I have ever had. I hope to be the same for someone too. I hope to swallow my pride and try to be a true friend, with the same energy that she had. I hope to live my life to the fullest just like she did. She was such a beautiful girl with such a beautiful soul, it almost seems unfair that she had to die so young. Indeed she was truly awesome, coz she still managed to give me this advice from beyond the grave.

THANK YOU KAY 🙂 This is my goodbye…

Cherish your friends and loved ones while you still can. Live everyday like it’s your last. No regrets, no apologies.

PhotoGrid_1414063428309

Advertisements

Perspicacious and Proud

I am perspicacious

Wishing life was simply obvious

And all we had to do was follow the yellow brick road

download

I wonder why it has to be so complicated

Easily misinterpreted

Words seemingly constipated

With a touch of verbal diarrhea

If only they could just write themselves

That’s how these rappers extraordinaire

Write their lyrics and crown themselves debonair

Falling in love with their money

Letting them have a taste like it’s honey

But when they are done, there goes the money

And no more baby or honey

You’re just a story about last night,

Won’t even remember your name

They call it the price of fame

Losing yourself so they remember your name

But with no guarantee to this fame

They still won’t bother to remember your name

And we give them free reign

Oblivious to how wrong it is

As once questionable habits are no longer questioned

They are so accepted and so easily mentioned

Do whatever you want and you won’t be questioned

That’s how we live, that’s how we get mentioned

We like what’s on TV and only ask one question

How do I get myself in that mention?

So you forget it wasn’t real, that’s just a show

And you walk around and flaunt it till you become the show

You lose yourself and you also lose your flow

It takes a while for the consequences to truly show

And after that, you slowly realize that just below the glow

Your still that story from last night

No turning point, it’s time to see who you’ve become

HE sees you’re a disappointment so you get thrown

You wonder how you could have known?

Your untouched bible is how you should have known

But the damage is already done

You’ve used your life and you only get one

But back to the present, you still have some time

Declare yourself, declare who you’ll become

I AM PERSPICACIOUS AND PROUD

NOT AFRAID TO SAY IT OUT LOUD

Why I believe GOD IS NOT DEAD

Jambo!

So my elder brother turned 30 on Saturday officially making me the only one under 30 in the family. This got me reminiscing on my life to see what I’ve achieved so far from my life plan since I’m always trying to keep up with my siblings, not the Kardashians. (Must be last-born syndrome or something to do with the huge age gap.) Though still in my early twenties, the unfinished part of the list is still so long I can only hope I will get to live such a long life that I won’t need to rush through it. *fingers crossed*

These three things on my list were key to unlocking the other parts:

  1. I should have graduated sometime this year. At the moment, I’m not even attending any classes so that’s still far off.
  2. I should have been getting married this December. At the moment, I don’t even have a boyfriend and have enjoyed the last three years being happily single.
  3. I should have bought my first car by now, a BMW 750 Li Sedan with a black on black custom paint job and interior. At the moment, I don’t have a driver’s license and I’m still traumatized from having been on crutches twice in one year.

P900486052014BMW005d_640_12-x500b1

Normally, these would be viewed as failures and this is what I believed as I ushered in 2014. I felt I had nothing to be grateful for except all the disappointments that have kept me from achieving my goals. I believed this soo strongly that for the entire month of February I suffered from mouth ulcers. Not the cold sore you get and you feel like your world is over coz you won’t look cute. I’m talking about multiple mouth ulcers all over my mouth that are painfully blue most of the time and only red when they are bleeding. (I could definitely relate to Mr. Snow from the Hunger Games.) Those that have been around me know that I had been suffering from these bouts about 4-6 times a year since 2007 due to stress, but they never lasted longer than two weeks. So for me to have them for an entire month while working as a full-time call center agent, I guess you can imagine the amount of pain I was in.

Regardless of my black lips and the stares I got wherever I would go, I kept attending the Wednesday Prayer Service at my church. Though I could neither sing nor talk, it was still the perfect environment for me to silently cry out to God and let the Holy Spirit intercede for me. It didn’t make sense that He already bled for me on the cross yet here I was still bleeding and my blood wasn’t saving anyone. It didn’t make sense for me to be suffering for that long, for all these years, after visiting countless doctors just to be reminded there’s no cure. After all the years of ridicule as people joked I had HIV or some other STI (including a Chinese doctor I had visited in KL), I was simply exhausted. So when I took Holy Communion that month, I didn’t ask for the car or for ‘Mr. Right’ to show up at my doorstep. I just asked for my heart to be at peace and to be filled with joy every morning.

Needless to say, that was my last bout of mouth ulcers. I have never gone so long without them that I’m still amazed hitherto. I chose to share my story because I know there are those that feel they aren’t where they want to be and feel like giving up. I share this because I know there are those that are always worrying so much about their future, that it keeps them from living their life as it passes by and all they are left with are regrets. I still don’t have a car or a fiancé or a degree but I no longer worry about them. I have so much peace in my heart that my friends and family have decided I’m crazy and I may just be living in denial. I still have so much peace in my heart and I still wake up  and have a hot, steamy cup of joy every morning, without fail.

I know that I am not forgotten. He knows my name. He hears me when I pray. He heals me. He’s the only one that never leaves me. He has great plans for me. He renews my strength and fills my heart with peace. He gives me joy every morning. He leads me to make the right choices according to His will and not my own. I know that I am going to graduate with a BSc Pharmaceutical Chemistry degree with honors. I know I’m going to get my dream car and I’ll be ready to test drive it with my newly acquired driver’s license. I know that when I am ready to start my own family, He will send me the right partner that will complement me perfectly. Most importantly, I now know that all this will come to pass in His time.

And all I have to do in the meantime is BE STILL AND KNOW THAT HE IS GOD because I am His child and He spoils me in ways I could never imagine.

Besides, it’s never that serious. Just live your life and let tomorrow worry about itself 🙂.

what-is-christian-writing